All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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