For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
