i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
