It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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