4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
