Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
