Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
