He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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