Your tits are I can't wait for
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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