I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
