bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
