This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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