i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
