just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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