just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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