They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
