note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
