I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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