someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
