Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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