Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
