You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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