I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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