I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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