dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
