i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
