oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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