i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this will be a night to untag.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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