She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
