my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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