Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
