Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
