I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
