i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
