i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
