Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
