GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
