i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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