My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
