i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
