Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
