shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
