I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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