So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
