OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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