Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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