I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
