even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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