I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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