I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
