I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
